These last couple weeks have been so crazy that I have not had a chance to write which has completely caused me to lose some momentum in my ideas for writing. :( I have sat down at least three times to type this post and have three completely different versions. I decided that this time I was going to sit down and just write! I know my thoughts will be all jumbled up but I hope that I am able to help someone gain some new inspiration in my words.
First let me update you on things that have changed in my life in the last two weeks. My husband and I had to make a decision to place our foster child in a different placement as he was unable to be successful in our home and made some poor decisions. Being seventeen he quickly found out that making one bad choice led to a spiral effect of making several more bad choices causing him to return to a place in his life which he said he never wanted to go back. I quickly realized that people say things they don't really mean to manipulate the situation and unfortunately it ended up affecting my family. I was able to shield my children from the events and Garrett has no clue what happened but knows that the child did not follow the rules in mommy and daddy's house and could not stay here. So the past two weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me. I was frustrated, angry, scared, and hurt, but now I feel happy and free (I feel awful for these emotions). I feel we are not so restricted on what we can and cannot do and I am so happy about that. In this experience I have learned so many different things and all of them good! I have learned that I can have patience, understanding, and love for a child that is not my own. I also learned that I can show some tough love at the end of the day. I am disappointed that I could not bring myself to try harder to get him to stay here but I could not have his behaviors around my own children especially when he was so angry with me and threatening me directly. We have learned that we enjoy attempting to help a child and are currently waiting for the next child to find their way to our home. We are hoping for a younger child that we can really work with on positive behaviors as the last foster child was too far set in his ways and could not accept authority or change. As I sat in church last Sunday reflecting on the prior week's events while listening to the message I wondered to myself how far set in our ways do we have to be before we are unable to change? How can we create a New life for ourselves when things get too bad? or Can we create new habits?
I thought for sure that I could get in to a new habit easily and I could find myself living a more healthier lifestyle, however I am finding that this is ALOT harder than it sounds. I thought that this would be the easiest thing to change about me by looking for a half hour a day in my life to exercise and do something for myself, but boy was I wrong. I can barely find five minutes. I figured once my husband and I set up this running contract that I would be motivated to change and I soooooo want to change but I can't find the time or energy. It seems something always comes up. Right now I think my feelings of guilt are slowing me down. Logan turned five months old yesterday :) and I am proud to say I am still exclusively nursing him but barely. I just make it week to week without touching my last six bags of freezer stash and for me to leave him extra time to do something for myself makes me feel guilty. I want him to have the same best start in which I provided for Garrett so I don't want to stop nursing him. I just need to make it through the last three full weeks of school and then I have lots of time to build up a supply and keep going! I also know that I will find more time to build running and reading the bible back into my daily schedule.
Last Sunday the pastor discussed our "New life" that the lord provided after dying on the cross. We reflected on the scripture from 2 Corinathians 5:15-17, He died for everyone so that those who receive his new life will no longer live to please themselves. Instead, they will live to please Christ, who died and was raised for them. So we have stopped evaluating others by what the world thinks about them. What this means is that those who become Christians become new persons. They are not the same anymore, for the old life is gone. A new life has begun!
As I sat and read this all over again and again I think I was finally able to see what I needed to do. I need to start living my life as a better Christian. I have to stop caring what others might think of me or what I think of others, and do what I know the lord wants me to do. Do I actually know what I am supposed to do in this life? Heck no! Only God himself knows how he wants me to live my life and the steps he wants me to take to fulfill his desires. Is this blog one way? I will never know, but what I do know is that I can find out how he wants me to live my life in the bible. As I pictured living a Christian lifestyle I decided to open the bible last night and found that in my past I highlighted Galatians 5: 22-26: But when the holy spirit controls our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Here there is no conflict with the law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. If we are living now by the holy spirit, let us follow the holy spirit's leading in every part of our lives. Let us not become conceited, or irritate one another or be jealous of one another. I had found my guide several years ago and I had gotten away from it. I need to start following the lord more and I will find the fruit in which he wants me to have. With him I will be able to find new habits and create the "new" life that I am searching for. We are only provided with one life on this earth and I want to live it to the fullest.
I know that many of you out there have complaints about your life as well, whether it be you hate your hair, weight, eye color, job, house, or other materialistic things. We can change our hair, weight, job, house, and we can even change our eye color with contacts now. Changing our outside appearance does not change our inside thoughts. We have to overcome our emotions on our own. Thankfully we have God to help us through all trials and tribulations with our emotions. I hope that with the Lord I will be able to change my emotional habits which in turn will change outwards habits creating this "new" life I desire. I want and will change my habits because I have a new life awaiting me. I just have to start following the holy spirit more. The lord gave me my guide, now I just need to use it effectively. I am going to go back to my New Year's resolutions which were to read the bible daily and spend at least 15 minutes praying to the lord daily spending time reflecting on other's and their needs. I have absolutely no excuse of why I can't do this. The housework and all other non important things can wait. My emotions and changing my poor habits are more important. Here goes nothing. There is no better time to start than right now, plus I need to pray for patience at this moment as Garrett has been on my last nerve all day not listening!
God Bless,
Amanda
Jeremiah 1:7-8 The Lord replied, "for you must go wherever I send you and say whatever I tell you. And Don't be afraid of the people, for I will be with you and take care of. I, the Lord, have spoken!"
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