Getting Back on Track.....

I have had a hard time trying to figure out how I wanted to write this post. I have gone back and forth for so many days as I continued to watch the news about what I should say in this post and last evening the words "getting back on track" came to mind. We as a country have undergone way too many tragedies in the past couple years and this past week many more innocent people were killed or injured including kids. I have to wonder when the violence of such great magnitudes will stop! When will we find peace and stop hurting our children? Or I guess the bigger question is when will people start to find God again? Life really is too short anymore and more and more people are starting to live in fear. As soon as the terror occurred at the Boston Marathon, my husband said no more marathons for you (and I haven't even got to participate in one yet). But why do we all have to go around wondering if our child's school will have a shooting in it, or if a plane will fly into a building, or a bomb will go off, or a gunman will just come into a store or a movie theatre or a bank. I for one don't want to live my life in fear! I want to feel safe in this country and right now how can we? Not only do I need to get back on track with my running and exercising, but this country needs to get back on track! We need to unite and make effective changes where they need to be changed to keep our future generations safe. Whether that means more effective mental health services, stricter laws, or just people starting to go to church, things need to change we need to "get back on track" and make this country safe so that we are all happy! Ok now that I have all that out...let's look at the word happiness.

Do we actually know what Happiness is?  Every day I look around and see selfless killings, robberies, people just yelling at others and children living in horrific situations and I wonder are these people actually happy. L. Ron Hubbard stated that "Happiness could be defined as the emotion of progress toward desirable goals.  There is an instant of contemplation of the last goal in which one is content.  But contentment becomes boredom immediately that new goals do not come to view.  There is no more unhappy thing than a man who has accomplished all his ends in life."  

As I thought about those words I reflected on my life.  When I was a high school student all I wanted for my life was a wonderful husband and children in which I adored.  I thought those were the ultimate goals in life.  I also wanted to have a job in which I loved to go to everyday.  Well I have been with my amazing husband 6 six years this year and we have two wonderful children and I love getting up and going to work everyday.  I had reached all my goals....I have achieved a master's degree and had no more left to strive for in school and I had the most fulfilling home life.  No wonder why boredom set in.  I had nothing left to strive for.  I was stuck in a rut and yes I am still sort of stuck there but I am proud to say that I am doing something new and I have new goals to work on. What are those goals you ask?  Well lets go through all of them individually.

1. Run a 26 mile Marathon - I am determined to run this and even if it takes me 10-15 years I will get there. 

2. Return back to school to obtain ABA certificate- I have not discussed this with the hubby yet but I desperately wanted this certification two years ago and had been accepted to Penn State Online to get it however the funds were not there.  Now that my hubby is getting his I am extremely jealous about all he knows regarding behavior and I want that knowledge so again if it takes me 10 years I too will have that knowledge.

3. I want to read the entire bible- I have always loved my faith in God and how he helps through trials and tribulations but sometimes I shy away and I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to be just like my Great-Grandma.  She was a wonderful lady who read that bible cover to cover several times.  I want to start to exhibit that faith as well and depend more on the Lord to help me in this life.  The lord carries us through all of our trials and I want to know how to serve him better. 

And Finally.....

4. I want to lose 15 -20 pounds and maintain a healthy lifestyle every day! This goal is probably a short-term goal as I am currently at the weight I was at before I became pregnant for the second time so here's to hoping I can keep going on this track and get off some extra!

Well there they are! Written in stone! I will do each of those no matter how long it takes.  I want to show my children that we can strive to achieve goals at all ages and that when we are reaching for something we are the happiest.  Now imagine if every person in the US would start reflecting on their life and think about achieving goals?  This could be the happiest country and we might even see the mental health of individuals subside because depression and other mood disorders may begin to diminish with a little self motivation.  We need to work together to get to our final goal.  I am not doing those above four goals on my own.  I have the full support of my husband.  After we finally were able to go on an amazing date night this weekend, he is finally on board to help me and he has even decided to join in.  We have decided to turn this running into a competition :) We will each train separately (only because our schedules are crazy) but two times a month we will run together (I will kick his butt ;)!) and at the end of the month we must see who runs the mile faster.  The winner gets a determined prize on the monthly contract! I am going for a new pair of running shoes (mine are a year old and have had some miles put on them)! What a wonderful way to not only work towards my goal, but to add some fun into our marriage! A friendly competition is always motivating.  Today was the start and we each ran a mile to see our baseline.....guess who won??  I beat him by almost a whole minute! I ran a mile in 10:52.  I know that is not the best but I will only get better and stronger. I am looking forward to all the new things in this life because I am challenging myself.  These goals are not going to be easy to achieve....I have two young children, a teenage foster son, a fulltime job, a part time job, and commitments to the church.  But at the end of the day I am going to do this. As my wonderful daily inspirational quote app told me this week - "The only difference between try and triumph, is a little 'umph'!"   That is my new motivating saying! I am now going to give this life a little "umph" because that is what it needs to be happy and self-fulfilling. 

 
 But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.  Isaiah 40:31

God Bless,
Amanda

No one ever said life was easy......

This past week has been a very trying week for me mentally and emotionally and I guess physically.  My body is truly exhausted because as I sit here typing it is taking all that I have to stay awake.  In the last week I have not gotten to run or exercise at all (and I know it because I have been eating alot more due to stress), I have spoken to a dr regarding a mild case of postpartum depression, it was a rough week at work, we lost our TV, phone, and modem to an electrical storm causing us to spend money we did not have, and tonight I realized that tomorrow is the 15th and I have ALOT of paperwork to do for our foster child and my second job! YIKES! But you know what I look at all these things that happened and realize all of them are things that I can control....well all but the electrical storm.  Only God can control the weather and unfortunately he chose to challenge us with a lightening strike.  My response to God tonight is, "I got this." I might not look or feel like I got this life under control but I do.  I have the power of prayer and faith and I can do this! I was honest with myself this week and it has changed the way I see myself and this life.  I admitted to myself that I was struggling emotionally and even though I was truly trying to work on it myself...it turns out you can't! I need the support of my husband and God! Praying to God for help emotionally led me to be honest and call a dr and find out if my suspicions were correct and the next path to take! Well I am going to work really hard to find stability mentally and emotionally because physically I need too. My body cannot take the sleepless nights anymore or the intense irritability.  I want to feel like I did yesterday and today everyday!  I want to feel confidence in myself and know that God really is carrying me through this life and this challenge. 

So in my prayers this last week I have been asking God to show me some words of inspiration and today he came through! I am sure that many of you use Pinterest (which is something I never wanted to start doing but I did and now I like to look there for inspiration)! I found God's words today that he wanted me to see and I would like to share those with you.  I searched the "quote" area for a while today and read this: "Be careful about what you think.  Your thoughts run your life. - Proverbs 4:23" 
All I could think when I read this was "Thank you God! You are right, my thoughts are running my life."  I am a constant negative thinker, you know the pessimistic type! It drives my husband crazy! Tonight God has spoken so if it means that I have to constantly say positive things about myself I will.  And my first thought is "I will believe in myself to do this!"  God has given me a great husband two beautiful boys and a foster child who at times proves to be challenging, but in the end I know that I am doing God's work! So I am sorry for making this short tonight but tomorrow is a new day and I will post all my new thoughts on how to conquer this challenge I have set for myself more effectively! But for tonight I am starting to think positively and know that I can raise my "three" kids, have a great marriage, work two jobs, and still have time for God and myself!!! Those negative thoughts I was thinking will be no more, I am tired of them running my life! God will give me the strength to do this and I hope he starts soon because I officially registered for my very first 5K tonight!!!

May God Bless each of you in your own challenging endeavors!
Amanda

Well.....I don't even know where to begin tonight.  All I know is it has been a challenging week and yet typically by a Thursday I am stressed to the max and angry about everything, but not today.  I feel more relaxed this week or at least today.  Could it be that I prayed to God to give me strength and help me about twenty times tonight on my run/walk, or is it that I feel so much better about myself?  I am not sure why I feel calmer and more relaxed, it is not a typical feeling for me lately.  Things are so crazy sometimes I don't know my left from my right in this household.  Between a husband and three kids (all boys) each of which desire a woman's attention I always feel stretched so thin.  Don't get me wrong I am feeling stretched this week too, but not as bad a the week before or previous weeks.  The only concern on my mind right now is breastfeeding the baby....I have to wonder if I can keep up with his needs while trying to meet mine plus working and meeting the other kids' needs.   Maybe I am on to something with this whole feeling happier while trying to reach a goal, my only fear is that I give up because it becomes too much!

 

After completing week one of the C25K program tonight I felt a sense of relief, but also a sense of fear.  As I walked the last half mile home I prayed to God that I could keep going at this and that he would give me the strength to continue on this challenging journey because I am not going to lie I am SORE.  I remember every single reason why I hate running or any type of exercise for that matter....MY STUPID FLAT FEET!!!! My left leg hurts so bad because I have always favored my right foot.  Not sure why but I have horrible flat feet and it kills me to run or be on them for long periods of time.  I only gave it minimal consideration when I started, but after today I would just love to stop and say you know what this is not for me and continue on with my stressful, angry day to day life that I am leading.  However, I do not want to drag myself down with all this negativity! I WANT THIS CHALLENGE MORE THAN ANYTHING! I don't want to quit because my foot hurts and my leg hurts.....I want to quit at the end of a 26 mile marathon! I just hope that I can do this.

 

So let me just dig deep into some of my thoughts tonight because I walked extra after finishing the training because I needed time to reflect on my life outside of this crazy house.  My reflections tonight started with Logan.  Logan is only 4 months old and I am exclusively breastfeeding him.  For the last three days I have struggled to pump enough to keep up with him so I started out with what if I am hurting him because I want something.  Then I started to think about how I can squeeze in more pumping time which consisted of ALOT less sleep for me as my day/weekend already consists of pumping every spare moment I get.  Then I reflected on Garrett.  Garrett is three and after I work all day he just wants to spend time with his mommy.  I felt bad about doing what I was doing when I should be home playing with him or reading him stories as I was out tonight during bedtime routine.  I was again feeling as if I was selfish.  Then I went to the words Josh said to me after I asked if he wanted to join me tonight...."I can't run with you, you haven't trained and you couldn't keep up with me."  As I was running in pain tonight I was thinking he was completely right.  I can't do this, I didn't train for this.  Of course the part where I could never keep up with him was spot on.  I would never be able to keep up with him, but I would try! And then I reflected on my husband who before I left called me a slacker because I was not paying attention to him.  And at this point in my reflections I wanted to just stop and cry.  I mean how could I be so selfish to want to go out and do something for my self.  I have all these people who need me and I have so many things to do at home, but I thought to myself am I really giving the above four people the best of me?  Absolutely not, because I am not doing something for me.  For the past several months my life has revolved around everyone else in this household and what they need.  Well I can't do that anymore....I was not giving them patience, understanding, compassion, and most of all happiness.  I want to be a better wife, mother, teacher, therapist, behavioral aide, foster parent, and what ever other titles I carry on a day to day basis.  I need to be happy to do this.  We as a society have to start to become happier.  Our children are suffering because the parents are unhappy.  We could be unhappy in our marriage, our job, our path in which life is taking us, whatever is making us unhappy we need to stop and reflect on that.  So after reflecting on all this I realized that I am unhappy because I never do anything for me and if I do I would begin to feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and the guilt is what brought me down.  I need to step back and start thinking about me for 30-45 minutes a day! So if that means I have to lose sleep to pump more, or I miss out on bedtime stories a night a week, or people tell me I can't do something, or the husband goes without attention for a little bit I am making myself happier because I am challenging myself to do something for me.  So over all, this is not a journey to reach a marathon challenge this is also my journey to learn how to be better at all the above titles.  God is really blessing me to do this and I have the opportunity to change my way of thinking and hopefully someone else's.  So tonight I am challenging others to reflect on all the things that are holding back the happiness.  Find what is stopping you from working on a goal.  I found it was myself and the guilt I would feel because I wanted to do something for me.  I can't do that anymore.  So like it says in the song "Try" by Pink...."you gotta get up and try."  I have gotten up and am trying to reach this goal....are you out there making your best effort at trying to reach yours?

 

God is good and I know I can do all things through him. Jeremiah 29:11 (For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future) came to mind as it is my favorite verse and I realized I am beginning to travel on the path God wants me to take.  God has a plan for all of us and I only pray that we each can find that path because seeing many of the stories in the news I feel people just need to be happier and find the plans God really has for them.  So I challenge you to look at the signs God has given each of you lately to discover how he wants you to prosper!  My only prayer tonight is that one person finds inspiration and begins to follow the path God has placed them on. 

 

God Bless each and every reader,

 

Amanda

What was I thinking.......

Well today is the beginning of a new Month and as a big April fool's to myself I started the C25K program today!!!! What the hell was I thinking.  O that's right I wasn't.  Who in their right mind chooses the goal of running a marathon?  I must be joking myself. 

 

I should give you all a little background on why I chose this goal! At the end of 2011 my husband was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease in which can cause his spine to fuse and leave his mobility limited by the time he is age 40-45.  So he was given treatment options which many of were expensive or we could go the free route and choose a clinical study.  That is exactly what we did, but part of the stipulations were no more children once the study started and we for sure wanted more kids! So immediately we started trying for child number 2! After a couple months of trying and failing, I was doing some reading in a magazine (I can't remember which one now), but it talked about research stating that people who set a goal are the happiest.  So after I read that I looked at my husband and told him I was going to run a marathon and that goal should keep me happy for at least 5-7 years.  So I went out and bought a pair of running shoes and started walking/running and after a month we were pregnant! So of course that slowed down my progress but now that that baby will be 4 months old on the 10th of April and my husband is on his clinical study for the next 2 years at least I thought I had better get back to my goal.  So here we are talking about goals and being happy but really how do we reach our goals in life, what exactly is a goal, and can people really achieve that self actualization through their goals? 

 

Well what exactly is a goal?  A goal is the desired result a person or a system envisions.  The person or system plans and commits to achieve a personal or organizational desired end point.  Many people chose to reach goals by setting deadlines.  In my case there is no endpoint for reaching the 26 mile marathon.  However, I think to be successful with in achieving my all time personal goal I need to set personal goals.  So as part of my motivation to keep me going I am going to commit to some 5Ks throughout the summer months.  As time goes on I will share you with information I find on achieving goals and being happy as well as if I feel this information is correct throughout my own personal feelings.  I hope that each person following this will be able to gain perspective and possibly be inspired to go for their own goals! I know as a society we all need a little more happiness! So I might feel as if I played an April fool's joke on myself right now, but at the end of the day I felt better because I ran for 10 minutes out of 30 minutes! That to me is a great start and even though my neighbors were probably wondering why I was giving myself a pep talk as I walked or ran by their house I achieved something today that I have not been able to do ever! So tonight I will say a prayer that God continues to guide me on this journey and Tomorrow I will do some strength training and hope for the best when I go back out and run on Wednesday!

 

Good night for now and God Bless,

 

Amanda