Well.....I don't even know where to begin tonight.  All I know is it has been a challenging week and yet typically by a Thursday I am stressed to the max and angry about everything, but not today.  I feel more relaxed this week or at least today.  Could it be that I prayed to God to give me strength and help me about twenty times tonight on my run/walk, or is it that I feel so much better about myself?  I am not sure why I feel calmer and more relaxed, it is not a typical feeling for me lately.  Things are so crazy sometimes I don't know my left from my right in this household.  Between a husband and three kids (all boys) each of which desire a woman's attention I always feel stretched so thin.  Don't get me wrong I am feeling stretched this week too, but not as bad a the week before or previous weeks.  The only concern on my mind right now is breastfeeding the baby....I have to wonder if I can keep up with his needs while trying to meet mine plus working and meeting the other kids' needs.   Maybe I am on to something with this whole feeling happier while trying to reach a goal, my only fear is that I give up because it becomes too much!

 

After completing week one of the C25K program tonight I felt a sense of relief, but also a sense of fear.  As I walked the last half mile home I prayed to God that I could keep going at this and that he would give me the strength to continue on this challenging journey because I am not going to lie I am SORE.  I remember every single reason why I hate running or any type of exercise for that matter....MY STUPID FLAT FEET!!!! My left leg hurts so bad because I have always favored my right foot.  Not sure why but I have horrible flat feet and it kills me to run or be on them for long periods of time.  I only gave it minimal consideration when I started, but after today I would just love to stop and say you know what this is not for me and continue on with my stressful, angry day to day life that I am leading.  However, I do not want to drag myself down with all this negativity! I WANT THIS CHALLENGE MORE THAN ANYTHING! I don't want to quit because my foot hurts and my leg hurts.....I want to quit at the end of a 26 mile marathon! I just hope that I can do this.

 

So let me just dig deep into some of my thoughts tonight because I walked extra after finishing the training because I needed time to reflect on my life outside of this crazy house.  My reflections tonight started with Logan.  Logan is only 4 months old and I am exclusively breastfeeding him.  For the last three days I have struggled to pump enough to keep up with him so I started out with what if I am hurting him because I want something.  Then I started to think about how I can squeeze in more pumping time which consisted of ALOT less sleep for me as my day/weekend already consists of pumping every spare moment I get.  Then I reflected on Garrett.  Garrett is three and after I work all day he just wants to spend time with his mommy.  I felt bad about doing what I was doing when I should be home playing with him or reading him stories as I was out tonight during bedtime routine.  I was again feeling as if I was selfish.  Then I went to the words Josh said to me after I asked if he wanted to join me tonight...."I can't run with you, you haven't trained and you couldn't keep up with me."  As I was running in pain tonight I was thinking he was completely right.  I can't do this, I didn't train for this.  Of course the part where I could never keep up with him was spot on.  I would never be able to keep up with him, but I would try! And then I reflected on my husband who before I left called me a slacker because I was not paying attention to him.  And at this point in my reflections I wanted to just stop and cry.  I mean how could I be so selfish to want to go out and do something for my self.  I have all these people who need me and I have so many things to do at home, but I thought to myself am I really giving the above four people the best of me?  Absolutely not, because I am not doing something for me.  For the past several months my life has revolved around everyone else in this household and what they need.  Well I can't do that anymore....I was not giving them patience, understanding, compassion, and most of all happiness.  I want to be a better wife, mother, teacher, therapist, behavioral aide, foster parent, and what ever other titles I carry on a day to day basis.  I need to be happy to do this.  We as a society have to start to become happier.  Our children are suffering because the parents are unhappy.  We could be unhappy in our marriage, our job, our path in which life is taking us, whatever is making us unhappy we need to stop and reflect on that.  So after reflecting on all this I realized that I am unhappy because I never do anything for me and if I do I would begin to feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and the guilt is what brought me down.  I need to step back and start thinking about me for 30-45 minutes a day! So if that means I have to lose sleep to pump more, or I miss out on bedtime stories a night a week, or people tell me I can't do something, or the husband goes without attention for a little bit I am making myself happier because I am challenging myself to do something for me.  So over all, this is not a journey to reach a marathon challenge this is also my journey to learn how to be better at all the above titles.  God is really blessing me to do this and I have the opportunity to change my way of thinking and hopefully someone else's.  So tonight I am challenging others to reflect on all the things that are holding back the happiness.  Find what is stopping you from working on a goal.  I found it was myself and the guilt I would feel because I wanted to do something for me.  I can't do that anymore.  So like it says in the song "Try" by Pink...."you gotta get up and try."  I have gotten up and am trying to reach this goal....are you out there making your best effort at trying to reach yours?

 

God is good and I know I can do all things through him. Jeremiah 29:11 (For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future) came to mind as it is my favorite verse and I realized I am beginning to travel on the path God wants me to take.  God has a plan for all of us and I only pray that we each can find that path because seeing many of the stories in the news I feel people just need to be happier and find the plans God really has for them.  So I challenge you to look at the signs God has given each of you lately to discover how he wants you to prosper!  My only prayer tonight is that one person finds inspiration and begins to follow the path God has placed them on. 

 

God Bless each and every reader,

 

Amanda