A New Year, A New Set of Challenges, and A New Mind Set

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.  Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.  I will hold you with my victorious right hand.    Isaiah 41:10

Well as I sit here on the last day of 2013 and watch the kids play together I reflect on the year as a whole.  I am not sure if it was a good year for me personally, but I know that it was a year that will make me stronger as a person.  As a family we welcomed two separate foster children in to our home and one still remains and we couldn't ask for a better family structure at this point.  We were able to take a family vacation, I continued to work as hard as I possibly could with all my health issues and I still strived to be the best I could be, but at the end of the day my health won out.  After seeing the first neurologist and being told I simply have fibromyalgia, my doctor and I wanted a second opinion.  So off to Pittsburgh I went right before Christmas and that neurologist is thinking I have a disorder called PsuedoTumor cerebi.  My body is producing too much spinal fluid causing similiar effects of a brain tumor.  This diagnosis online finally made sense to me and described everything I was trying to tell the first neurologist and he just wasn’t listening.  So after the first of the year I will be having some procedures done to possibly relieve the pain and pressure I get! Yay! I am excited for that part as I am tired of not sleeping at night or having nerve problems.  I am hoping that I am one of those cases where they remove the spinal fluid one time and all problems are cured and there is no flare ups again.  Wouldn’t that just be the best outcome for me.  These issues have really taken a big toll on me these last couple months to the point where I have trouble seeing and using the right side of my body.  I had to make the choice to leave my full time employment.  I need the ability right now to just sit when I am tired and to work at my own pace.  I know that staying home with the boys will be out of my comfort zone a little bit but at the end of the day I am excited to say I am a stay at home mommy and starting out 2014 that way relieves a lot of worries.  I know that there will be a TON of struggles we will face in the upcoming year but at this point I need to focus on me.  If I can focus on me for a little while then I can become the best mom that I know I can be.  

So for the year 2014 I am going to make some changes with me….I am going to change the way I eat, change the way I view life and begin to focus on my relationship with the lord more.  I have lost a lot faith in this past year but I don’t want it to slow me down anymore.  I am going to start out strong.  I have gotten some bible studies ready and have thought about how to organize and structure my days so that I am able to spend some time alone to focus on the Lord and me.  I would like to encourage all of you to do this as well.  Time alone with the Lord is valuable for all of us and it can really start to change the way we all feel.  I am hoping that this time and this diet change will begin to help my problems in their own way.  I have everything all lined up and ready to go and I am going to “Eat to Live” and pray a whole heck of a lot.  I am vowing not to have any resolutions this year.  I am going to have the lord carry me through 2014 as he sees fit.  I am just going to do what he asks.  The only thing I am going to do is change the way I eat….I am going to eat more fruits and vegetables, less bread and no sugar (pray for me here).  I am cutting out dairy and I am going to start to do moderate exercise so that I can hopefully regain some strength back in my right side.  I am and will continue to work towards running a marathon.  I have not forgotten that goal yet!  I am still determined to get there with the support of my family I know I can.  So my friends don’t waste today making resolutions, we will hate ourselves in the February when we have broken them.  Just vow to live out the year 2014 with the grace and help of the Lord.  He really does carry us through this life.  

The verse at the top of this post says it all.  I knew I had to share it all with you when I read it on my “verse of the day”  It said everything I wanted to say to myself.  I needed to see that I or you should not be afraid for the upcoming year.  The Lord is going to get us through the highs and the lows.  So don’t fret on the year 2013 it is all over and we are all moving on to the next year.  We are all here one more day and for a reason.  Keep your heads up high and keep striving for happiness in your goals!

Happy New Year Everyone and May God Bless you all in the upcoming year!

Talk about a challenge!

When I started this blog I never once expected the Lord to step in and stop me from meeting the Challenges that I set forth for myself.  I set out to work on four challenges: run a marathon, read the bible, lose weight while living a healthy lifestyle, and to go back to school to obtain some more certification in behavior.  Here I am 7 months later, completely struggling with every day life and my faith.  When I last wrote I talked about problems with my shoulder and how I could not run my first 5K because of the doctor's orders.  Well my friends that was back in October and I feel as if I have dropped off the planet, because essentially I have.  I feel as if I have been a robot just going through the motions that last few months.  This shoulder problem has completely turned into so much more and at this point I have had to attend more medical appointments and see more specialists that I cannot even tell you what doctor I am seeing anymore.  Unfortunately, I still have no answers, no treatment, and no understanding as to why my body is progressively breaking down and losing strength.  I have trouble holding my own children, today I barely made it into church holding Logan.  Talk about frustrating and making me want to cry, but this is my life.  I have heard the medical terms Lupus, Lymes, Disease, RA, Scardosis, and MS in the last three months. I have had MRIs, nerve testing, bloodwork, and x-rays done.  All reporting to be normal.  Again talk about frustrating.  I finally will see the neurologist on Tuesday and I am hoping that I might get some kind of answers.   The specialist I saw last week was somewhat positive my problems were not from arthritis, but more nuerological....leading to the lymes, MS, or scardosis categories.  I have been tested for lymes disease already so that is ruled out from the bloodwork standpoint. At this point I have daily struggles with every task and I have lost my faith in doctors and the longer the pain and headaches and all the other symptoms get worse I lose faith in God.  I am seriously struggling with his plan for me at this point in my life.  I was so ready to run a marathon in March and was exercising and really working on my healthy lifestyle and losing weight.  Now I can barely carry my 1 year old son and handle my every day tasks as a mother, wife, and employee.  So I have had to make decisions that really I didn't want to make, but I need to for my well being.  I actually stepped back and looked at myself for five minutes, said a prayer to the Lord, requested to go on the prayer chain, and BAM.....I quit my job! I realized I can't work full time and try to be a mom too when I can barely function after a day at work.  This was the most difficult decision I made in the last five months.  As the sole provider of good health insurance at a cost we could afford....I didn't want to quit, but I had to walk away.  Now with 2014 approaching I have no clue what I will be doing with my life, but I do know one thing, I will be home with my children and I will be able to focus on doing things for me by exercising and eating healthy.  I am also going to spend more time focusing on my Blog because I have really started to focus on praying again and I think I have finally gotten a better understanding of what The Lord wants for me.  He really wants me to be challenged and to show people that even though he gave me this challenge I will eventually come out on top (at least that is what I am hoping).  I eventually will get to do a marathon....maybe not 26 miles but I will get to do one.  I will dig deep and find my faith again and start to reach for the bible again and pray daily.  And I will lose weight, actually I have been losing weight without really trying because in the last three weeks my appetite has decreased and I can't eat that much especially during the work week when I am moving around alot.  I will over come the challenges and will rise to the challenge.  I know that the only way I am going to get through this is with continued support from family and friends and some prayers from others.  I know there is a purpose for me but right now I need to focus on getting through one day at time and managing my health.  So hopefully Tuesday I will learn what is truly wrong or be on some sort of path for treatment so that I can live my life again and be who I want to be.  So friends I ask for you to put me in your prayers this week and upcoming weeks as I learn what is wrong and have to make decisions for treatment.  I will also try to become more involved here and get back into my faith more!

 

I pray that God blesses each and every one of you this holiday season and blesses you as we enter 2014.  

 
Amanda

A New Way of Life.....

Has anyone ever wondered why there is such evil in the world?  Think about all the negativity we see on a daily basis.  Right now we have issues in Syria, soldiers not getting the mental health help they deserve and need so they turn around and kill people, people constantly fighting and killing each other, bullying in our schools, and the overall health of individuals is a negative thing we hear about constantly.  How can we fix this?  Would a new president help, would acts of kindness being spread help, or would looking to God help?  Does anyone really know the answers to all of problems?  Of Course God knows how all these actions and lifestyle will play out for all of us, but why is this negativity not changing any of us?  What will it take for us to reach inside ourselves and change who we are?

I know in my own life I have hit some disappointments and pulled away from the Lord.  After seeing all the hurt in the last couple weeks just with in our own little county I have decided I don't want to be that person anymore.  I want to and need to work my faith back into my life on a more daily basis and essentially "suck it up" and do what the Lord wants me to do not what I want to do.  I know I am not the "perfect" Christian and trust me I have no intention to become all out perfect Christian either.  I do not attend church every Sunday, I don't read the bible everyday, and unfortunately we just cannot afford to give 10% of our income to the church as a tithe.  I do however try to make a point to pray nightly with my children and read the bible a couple times a week and give freely of my time to the church.  I feel teaching my children the importance of the Lord early will help instill faith in them and then they can have someone to reach out to when they have problems.  Sometimes the power of prayer goes a long way and I want my children to realize this especially as I continue to work with them on praying for people that are hurt.  I know one thing I struggle with is teaching them to pray for themselves.  I work so hard on teaching them to pray for others when they are hurt, but I forget sometimes we need to pray for ourselves.  I know I struggle to pray for me when I need it.  Maybe this is why I have felt like I pulled back from my faith more in the last couple months. 

These last few months I have hit road block after road block with working towards my goals.  Sometimes it is just a matter of time, however my ability to run a marathon is up in the air right now.  I recently went through an EMG (nerve test) and what the doctor found was that I have stressed nerve up in my neck.  Well months of physical therapy will never heal the injury but can help relieve the symptoms.  He then talked to me about my running and the constant repetition will put a lot of stress on my injury.  I was very frustrated when I was leaving his office, and my mindset at the time was "I will show these doctors."  Don't get me wrong this is still my mindset but first thing is first I will do my research and see how to effectively help my injury plus do the physical therapy.  Then I am going to take control of my body back.  I am no longer going to let my body control me.  Along with gaining control of my body I have becoming more active in praying to God for guidance for me.  I can't do this on my own, I know that my mind is not strong enough.  I will seriously talk myself out of everything and tell myself I can't do stuff so I need God to carry me through this.  So even though my goals have to be revisited and probably reconfigured, I am more than willing to change my lifestyle and my mindset till I can effectively achieve my goals.  The doctor suggested instead of a full out marathon I set my sights on a  Triathlon.  I told him I would consider this as well.  He explained that I could really damage my nerves if I did the constant pounding that comes with running for the whole 27 miles.  I have come to accept what I heard a couple weeks ago now and am ready to do something about it.  I however, am continuing to struggle with us as a society.  I am finding that there is too much hurt in the world.  I sometimes just want to cry when I see the news.  I get tired of hearing all this negativity and I have to wonder what type of a world am I raising my kids in?  I am scared for their future.  Will they even have a future?  As I was thinking about the world and what type of society we live in I started to think about the book of Proverbs.  I sat down one night and just started at the beginning.  I wanted to read the instructions of the Lord.  If I could sit here and write out the whole chapter of Proverbs I would.  Let me tell you, WE HAVE LOST SIGHT OF WHAT THE LORD INTENDED FOR US.  I was stunned to read some of his instructions and then thought about my own life.  At one point as I was reading about debts, all I could think was "college loans really go against what the lord wanted for us" or "I feel like such an idiot for even going to college and putting myself in this type of financial instability." Then I got to instructions about worries and interactions and so much more and I felt liberated.  I picked out two verses that stuck with me that night that I thought fit all of us at this moment in time. 

Proverbs 12:25 -Worry weighs a person down; an encouraging word cheers a person up.

Thinking about that...we could all just start saying something positive to people, even if it was just one person per day.  Think about how the cycle would continue.  I know that in my own life I have to really work on this.

Proverbs 16:9 - We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.

This stuck with me when I was thinking about the struggles I am facing with my goals.  I chose what I wanted to do and I tried to work out how I was going to get there, but the Lord had another set of steps for me instead.  I guess now I need to follow his plan because mine did not work.  From here on out I am just going to do what my body can do in a day and at the end of the day, I am just going to accept what I got done.  I hope that I will be able to get all that I want done in a day done, but only the Lord determines that. 

I know that with the support of my caring husband and my family and the Lord I am going to reach the top of the mountain where I will find the ultimate happiness.  I know that at some point I will change the world of one person and I will enjoy the life I am living now. 

Here is to finding a new way of life for all of us. I can't do this alone.  I know if we want the negativity to stop then we all have to work together to find the positive and only strive to keep moving in that direction.  So here we go! One step at time.........

Crazy Life.....

Did you ever wonder why people stop working towards goals?  Well I can officially say it is the road blocks that God sets up that stops people.  God most certainly didn't let up on his road bump for me this time around.  I have been struggling to see what his plan is because I have gotten off my routine for the summer due to a shoulder injury.  God has really stepped up and shown me that I need to take care of myself because this shoulder problem has been going on since December of 2012 and in June the pain was so bad it hurt to do anything.  So for the last two months I have been limited on my activities while going through chiropractic care and physical therapy.  Needless to say these routes were not helping and I am now scheduled for an MRI this week.  Talk about disappointing.  Better yet talk about a real goal crusher! I wonder if I will be able to pick myself up out of this.  I was so driven when I started this journey and now I have absolutely nothing to look forward to.  Essentially it feels as if all the light in my tunnel has been taken away.  I just can't figure out where to go from here. 

I have been feeling this feeling of "I have no where to go from here" for weeks.  I just ultimately have been wrapped up in this crazy life.  I have not had time to breathe or think for a couple weeks now and of course it has not helped that people have made me feel guilty for participating in the summer school program instead of staying home with my kids and now the summer is over.  This summer has completely flown by and what do I have to show for it....Nothing! I didn't get to run my marathon, I didn't lose weight like I wanted to, I didn't get my house organized as much as I wanted (but I did keep it clean), and I most certainly did not get to go out and visit friends like I wanted to either.  Why might you ask?  Because I have been spending my summer wrapped up in making a gazillion trips to warren doing what God has called Tony and I to do and prepare for a new foster child.  Let me tell you....God really has challenged my strength with this over the summer and he almost broke me at the end.  I really struggled to see the end to all this traveling and all these crazy meetings, but now that it is finally here, I can see the end result that God had wanted.  God wanted this child to have a home with two parents and a stable routine.  He wanted her to know what love is and the way a family functions.  Now if I could get the meetings to stop (or at least slow down) we will be on our way to a stable routine and not spending every last dime (and then some) on gas.  I have to keep telling myself that I need to trust in the Lord with all my heart.  God has a plan for me and I just have to trust him.  I know I have to start giving him all my worries and all my anxiety because personally, I am having problems keeping it all to myself anymore.  I just can't keep up with everything on my own and I need to rely on God.  Saying all this is so much easier than actually doing it, but I am going to try my hardest because over this next week, Tony and I have an absurd amount of stuff to get done, pennies to do it in, and personally just not enough man power to do it in.  So if there is any week to start giving my worries over to God....it is this one.  Let's all think about our own paths right now.....

How many of you feel that you have no where to go from here?  Do you find strength in the Lord?  I know it is really hard to think that you are being carried through this life by the lord and that is why there is only one set of footprints when we look around, but really that is what God is doing.  God is helping us all get through this life and even though it is crazy he has a plan for all of us.  I felt reminded of him carrying us and guiding us today during a wonderful Chalk Talk in which the artist drew Jesus watching over a boat during a storm.  How true that fits for many of us at this moment.   We are all facing storms in our lives whether it be the uncertainty of a health diagnosis, a death in the family, the loss of a job, struggles to pay bills, struggles to find a new job, etc.  We are all there, and yet our Lord is right there with us.  So like I said not only do I need to start giving my worries to the Lord, we all do because at the end of this storm, he will still be there.  Look at the following bible verses:

"No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course
of what others have had to face.
All you need to remember is that God will never let you down;
he'll never let you be pushed past your limit;
he'll always be there to help you come through it."

- 1 Corinthians 10:13

 

For he will shield you with his wings,

he will shelter with his feathers.

His faithful promises are your armor and protection.

 

- Psalm 91:4

 

Look how God really is going to be there through out every trial we might face.  He is going to shelter us and protect us.  At the end of the day we will always see one set of footprints and it is not because we are walking alone, it is because he has carried us through. I know that when I started this I said it would probably take me ten years to complete my goals, but I never thought so many road blocks would come up already.  Lord knows I am struggling with all the things I have on my plate right now, but I need to stop and remember that he will help me.  So even though things are tight with money right now, my shoulder hurts, a possible other health diagnosis looms over me, and I start back to work I am going to make the best of what I have and hope that God will see me through this storm.  I know he has wonderful plans once it is all calm again.  I hope that each and every one of you reading will also find that calm at the end of the storm soon because really we all have some where to go from here. 

 

God bless all who are reading,

Amanda

 

Ps.  God has given me the most amazing gift in life when he gave me my husband.  We celebrated 6 years of marriage today and even though it was spent at home doing things around here, we got to enjoy our children (we went out earlier in the week).  God knew what he was doing when he created Tony! I don't think I would be able to do half the stuff I do with out him.  Now only do I rely on the lord but I rely on the love and support from a wonderful partner.  I feel blessed to see many couples enjoying the love that unity brings and continue to hope their marriages will continue to blossom with in the holy spirit. 

 

A Spinning World

The other day I was sitting outside reading the bible and Garrett was playing in the yard and as I was sitting there, I paused to think about what I had just read.  It was at this moment I thought of how fast the days seem to go by.  Garrett is 3 and going into preschool already.  Just to sit back and think about how fast he is growing up scared me.  The days with him just don't seem long enough, but really they are he is full of energy and he really can drive me crazy! But he is in the stage of "why."  I am not exaggerating when I say that I must hear the question "why" at least a hundred thousand times a day.  There are days I just wish he could not talk yet because it gets to be excessive, but then I was thinking about the reason he does it. The world through his eyes is so pure.  Is there really any evil in his world yet?  Not really....he loves the simple things like beaches, sand, running, playing with his toys, the clouds, thunder, and so much of those things us adults take for granted.  The purity in his world is extraordinary.  I would love to see that world all the time, as the Lord wanted us to have many beautiful things. 

The bible is a great place to find how God wants us to live our lives and treat others and see his creation.  God created the sky, the moon, the stars, grass, the ocean and so many other beautiful things in this world, but what are we focused on?  As adults we all focus on what's in the news....the president making poor decisions, politicians having affairs, people murdering others, gun laws, and health issues.  I know that the news is a big thing for many of us as I can go through my Facebook and see at least five posts a day regarding some topic in the news! Is this the stuff we should be focused on?  I swear the news makes things so much worse.  We are human and we crave excitement and knowledge and watching the news helps feed our craving for knowledge.  My grandpa watches CNN 24/7 unless a pirates game is on.  I can walk into his house and see that on the TV anytime he is home guaranteed.  It has become his go to channel and let me tell you he believes every thing those newscasters report, even if there is 5 different versions.  Are these stories something we should be focusing on?  Not at all.....these people that do evil things should not have their day of fame! What would the news be like if they only reported the GOOD things that happened.  Think about it....what if we turned on channel 6 and the headlines read some thing like "13 year old Girl achieves state rankings in Gymnastics" or "Man helped his neighbor build a ramp" or "School members Unite together to help families in need."  Think about all the positives we would have in the community.  We hear about schools going to Positive school wide approaches, what if the nation went to positive approaches as well.  Wouldn't that be something?  Our kids would learn about all the good in the world and hey they might actually follow by that example instead of the one that is portrayed now.  I must say, I worry about Garrett's perception of the world as he moves into preschool and school.  His pure world where he wonders what is thunder, how far away the moon is, or why mommy and daddy have to work will quickly change.  I worry about the world and all the things that happen and don't get me wrong I turn on the Today show in the morning, but at the end of the day those news headlines do not stay with me.  Do these headlines affect how people feel?  Well think about your emotions after reading or hearing about a mass murder or someone raising taxes.  As a human many emotions can be attributed to those headlines such as anger, sadness, frustration, or confusion.  None of those are attributed to happiness.  Now if you hear headlines with someone helping others out of the kindness in their own hearts, you might feel happy.  Hmmmmmmm.....I think I want to feel happiness.  I am tired of feeling scared, angry, hurt, sad, and resentful every time I turn on the news.  It only creates for a frustrating day and it messes with people's emotions.  So I am sorry mister news reporter, but I don't want to hear negative things anymore.  Can't we start to report good things.  I mean there are tons of things to report like people beating cancer, churches helping people in need, kids achieving their goals, and so much other good stuff out there we don't see because we are all too busy looking for the negative. 

I want to stop feeling negative about myself and the world we live in. I know the world has its evilness to it, but I want to start hearing the good things about our country and world.  Can't we hear the good things?  I know this pursuit to find happiness is going positive for me and I want to hear positives in the world.  Here I sit proud that we are taking in another teenage foster child (female), my son sees such a pure world, and my house is actually staying organized with my new cleaning schedule.  Not only am I happy about all that but As of July 1st, I am starting a strict exercise plan...I want to really step up what I have already been doing.  So to all you news posting facebookers.....start finding the positives! We can really help change our emotions with reading something so small yet positive!

I hope we all find joy this fourth of July!

God Bless,
Amanda

A New Start, A New Life.....

These last couple weeks have been so crazy that I have not had a chance to write which has completely caused me to lose some momentum in my ideas for writing.  :( I have sat down at least three times to type this post and have three completely different versions.  I decided that this time I was going to sit down and just write! I know my thoughts will be all jumbled up but I hope that I am able to help someone gain some new inspiration in my words. 

First let me update you on things that have changed in my life in the last two weeks.  My husband and I had to make a decision to place our foster child in a different placement as he was unable to be successful in our home and made some poor decisions.  Being seventeen he quickly found out that making one bad choice led to a spiral effect of making several more bad choices causing him to return to a place in his life which he said he never wanted to go back.  I quickly realized that people say things they don't really mean to manipulate the situation and unfortunately it ended up affecting my family.  I was able to shield my children from the events and Garrett has no clue what happened but knows that the child did not follow the rules in mommy and daddy's house and could not stay here.  So the past two weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me.  I was frustrated, angry, scared, and hurt, but now I feel happy and free (I feel awful for these emotions).  I feel we are not so restricted on what we can and cannot do and I am so happy about that.  In this experience I have learned so many different things and all of them good! I have learned that I can have patience, understanding, and love for a child that is not my own.  I also learned that I can show some tough love at the end of the day.  I am disappointed that I could not bring myself to try harder to get him to stay here but I could not have his behaviors around my own children especially when he was so angry with me and threatening me directly.  We have learned that we enjoy attempting to help a child and are currently waiting for the next child to find their way to our home.  We are hoping for a younger child that we can really work with on positive behaviors as the last foster child was too far set in his ways and could not accept authority or change. As I sat in church last Sunday reflecting on the prior week's events while listening to the message I wondered to myself how far set in our ways do we have to be before we are unable to change?  How can we create a New life for ourselves when things get too bad?  or Can we create new habits? 

I thought for sure that I could get in to a new habit easily and I could find myself living a more healthier lifestyle, however I am finding that this is ALOT harder than it sounds.  I thought that this would be the easiest thing to change about me by looking for a half hour a day in my life to exercise and do something for myself, but boy was I wrong.  I can barely find five minutes.  I figured once my husband and I set up this running contract that I would be motivated to change and I soooooo want to change but I can't find the time or energy.  It seems something always comes up.  Right now I think my feelings of guilt are slowing me down.  Logan turned five months old yesterday :) and I am proud to say I am still exclusively nursing him but barely.  I just make it week to week without touching my last six bags of freezer stash and for me to leave him extra time to do something for myself makes me feel guilty.  I want him to have the same best start in which I provided for Garrett so I don't want to stop nursing him.  I just need to make it through the last three full weeks of school and then I have lots of time to build up a supply and keep going! I also know that I will find more time to build running and reading the bible back into my daily schedule. 

Last Sunday the pastor discussed our "New life" that the lord provided after dying on the cross.  We reflected on the scripture from 2 Corinathians 5:15-17, He died for everyone so that those who receive his new life will no longer live to please themselves.  Instead, they will live to please Christ, who died and was raised for them.  So we have stopped evaluating others by what the world thinks about them.  What this means is that those who become Christians become new persons.  They are not the same anymore, for the old life is gone.  A new life has begun!

As I sat and read this all over again and again I think I was finally able to see what I needed to do.  I need to start living my life as a better Christian.  I have to stop caring what others might think of me or what I think of others, and do what I know the lord wants me to do. Do I actually know what I am supposed to do in this life?  Heck no! Only God himself knows how he wants me to live my life and the steps he wants me to take to fulfill his desires.  Is this blog one way?  I will never know, but what I do know is that I can find out how he wants me to live my life in the bible.  As I pictured living a Christian lifestyle I decided to open the bible last night and found that in my past I highlighted Galatians 5: 22-26: But when the holy spirit controls our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.  Here there is no conflict with the law.  Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there.  If we are living now by the holy spirit, let us follow the holy spirit's leading in every part of our lives.  Let us not become conceited, or irritate one another or be jealous of one another.  I had found my guide several years ago and I had gotten away from it.  I need to start following the lord more and I will find the fruit in which he wants me to have.  With him I will be able to find new habits and create the "new" life that I am searching for.  We are only provided with one life on this earth and I want to live it to the fullest. 

I know that many of you out there have complaints about your life as well, whether it be you hate your hair, weight, eye color, job, house, or other materialistic things.  We can change our hair, weight, job, house, and we can even change our eye color with contacts now. Changing our outside appearance does not change our inside thoughts.  We have to overcome our emotions on our own.  Thankfully we have God to help us through all trials and tribulations with our emotions.  I hope that with the Lord I will be able to change my emotional habits which in turn will change outwards habits creating this "new" life I desire.  I want and will change my habits because I have a new life awaiting me.  I just have to start following the holy spirit more.  The lord gave me my guide, now I just need to use it effectively.  I am going to go back to my New Year's resolutions which were to read the bible daily and spend at least 15 minutes praying to the lord daily spending time reflecting on other's and their needs.  I have absolutely no excuse of why I can't do this.  The housework and all other non important things can wait.  My emotions and changing my poor habits are more important.  Here goes nothing.  There is no better time to start than right now, plus I need to pray for patience at this moment as Garrett has been on my last nerve all day not listening!

God Bless,

Amanda


Jeremiah 1:7-8  The Lord replied, "for you must go wherever I send you and say whatever I tell you.  And Don't be afraid of the people, for I will be with you and take care of.  I, the Lord, have spoken!"

Getting Back on Track.....

I have had a hard time trying to figure out how I wanted to write this post. I have gone back and forth for so many days as I continued to watch the news about what I should say in this post and last evening the words "getting back on track" came to mind. We as a country have undergone way too many tragedies in the past couple years and this past week many more innocent people were killed or injured including kids. I have to wonder when the violence of such great magnitudes will stop! When will we find peace and stop hurting our children? Or I guess the bigger question is when will people start to find God again? Life really is too short anymore and more and more people are starting to live in fear. As soon as the terror occurred at the Boston Marathon, my husband said no more marathons for you (and I haven't even got to participate in one yet). But why do we all have to go around wondering if our child's school will have a shooting in it, or if a plane will fly into a building, or a bomb will go off, or a gunman will just come into a store or a movie theatre or a bank. I for one don't want to live my life in fear! I want to feel safe in this country and right now how can we? Not only do I need to get back on track with my running and exercising, but this country needs to get back on track! We need to unite and make effective changes where they need to be changed to keep our future generations safe. Whether that means more effective mental health services, stricter laws, or just people starting to go to church, things need to change we need to "get back on track" and make this country safe so that we are all happy! Ok now that I have all that out...let's look at the word happiness.

Do we actually know what Happiness is?  Every day I look around and see selfless killings, robberies, people just yelling at others and children living in horrific situations and I wonder are these people actually happy. L. Ron Hubbard stated that "Happiness could be defined as the emotion of progress toward desirable goals.  There is an instant of contemplation of the last goal in which one is content.  But contentment becomes boredom immediately that new goals do not come to view.  There is no more unhappy thing than a man who has accomplished all his ends in life."  

As I thought about those words I reflected on my life.  When I was a high school student all I wanted for my life was a wonderful husband and children in which I adored.  I thought those were the ultimate goals in life.  I also wanted to have a job in which I loved to go to everyday.  Well I have been with my amazing husband 6 six years this year and we have two wonderful children and I love getting up and going to work everyday.  I had reached all my goals....I have achieved a master's degree and had no more left to strive for in school and I had the most fulfilling home life.  No wonder why boredom set in.  I had nothing left to strive for.  I was stuck in a rut and yes I am still sort of stuck there but I am proud to say that I am doing something new and I have new goals to work on. What are those goals you ask?  Well lets go through all of them individually.

1. Run a 26 mile Marathon - I am determined to run this and even if it takes me 10-15 years I will get there. 

2. Return back to school to obtain ABA certificate- I have not discussed this with the hubby yet but I desperately wanted this certification two years ago and had been accepted to Penn State Online to get it however the funds were not there.  Now that my hubby is getting his I am extremely jealous about all he knows regarding behavior and I want that knowledge so again if it takes me 10 years I too will have that knowledge.

3. I want to read the entire bible- I have always loved my faith in God and how he helps through trials and tribulations but sometimes I shy away and I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to be just like my Great-Grandma.  She was a wonderful lady who read that bible cover to cover several times.  I want to start to exhibit that faith as well and depend more on the Lord to help me in this life.  The lord carries us through all of our trials and I want to know how to serve him better. 

And Finally.....

4. I want to lose 15 -20 pounds and maintain a healthy lifestyle every day! This goal is probably a short-term goal as I am currently at the weight I was at before I became pregnant for the second time so here's to hoping I can keep going on this track and get off some extra!

Well there they are! Written in stone! I will do each of those no matter how long it takes.  I want to show my children that we can strive to achieve goals at all ages and that when we are reaching for something we are the happiest.  Now imagine if every person in the US would start reflecting on their life and think about achieving goals?  This could be the happiest country and we might even see the mental health of individuals subside because depression and other mood disorders may begin to diminish with a little self motivation.  We need to work together to get to our final goal.  I am not doing those above four goals on my own.  I have the full support of my husband.  After we finally were able to go on an amazing date night this weekend, he is finally on board to help me and he has even decided to join in.  We have decided to turn this running into a competition :) We will each train separately (only because our schedules are crazy) but two times a month we will run together (I will kick his butt ;)!) and at the end of the month we must see who runs the mile faster.  The winner gets a determined prize on the monthly contract! I am going for a new pair of running shoes (mine are a year old and have had some miles put on them)! What a wonderful way to not only work towards my goal, but to add some fun into our marriage! A friendly competition is always motivating.  Today was the start and we each ran a mile to see our baseline.....guess who won??  I beat him by almost a whole minute! I ran a mile in 10:52.  I know that is not the best but I will only get better and stronger. I am looking forward to all the new things in this life because I am challenging myself.  These goals are not going to be easy to achieve....I have two young children, a teenage foster son, a fulltime job, a part time job, and commitments to the church.  But at the end of the day I am going to do this. As my wonderful daily inspirational quote app told me this week - "The only difference between try and triumph, is a little 'umph'!"   That is my new motivating saying! I am now going to give this life a little "umph" because that is what it needs to be happy and self-fulfilling. 

 
 But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.  Isaiah 40:31

God Bless,
Amanda

No one ever said life was easy......

This past week has been a very trying week for me mentally and emotionally and I guess physically.  My body is truly exhausted because as I sit here typing it is taking all that I have to stay awake.  In the last week I have not gotten to run or exercise at all (and I know it because I have been eating alot more due to stress), I have spoken to a dr regarding a mild case of postpartum depression, it was a rough week at work, we lost our TV, phone, and modem to an electrical storm causing us to spend money we did not have, and tonight I realized that tomorrow is the 15th and I have ALOT of paperwork to do for our foster child and my second job! YIKES! But you know what I look at all these things that happened and realize all of them are things that I can control....well all but the electrical storm.  Only God can control the weather and unfortunately he chose to challenge us with a lightening strike.  My response to God tonight is, "I got this." I might not look or feel like I got this life under control but I do.  I have the power of prayer and faith and I can do this! I was honest with myself this week and it has changed the way I see myself and this life.  I admitted to myself that I was struggling emotionally and even though I was truly trying to work on it myself...it turns out you can't! I need the support of my husband and God! Praying to God for help emotionally led me to be honest and call a dr and find out if my suspicions were correct and the next path to take! Well I am going to work really hard to find stability mentally and emotionally because physically I need too. My body cannot take the sleepless nights anymore or the intense irritability.  I want to feel like I did yesterday and today everyday!  I want to feel confidence in myself and know that God really is carrying me through this life and this challenge. 

So in my prayers this last week I have been asking God to show me some words of inspiration and today he came through! I am sure that many of you use Pinterest (which is something I never wanted to start doing but I did and now I like to look there for inspiration)! I found God's words today that he wanted me to see and I would like to share those with you.  I searched the "quote" area for a while today and read this: "Be careful about what you think.  Your thoughts run your life. - Proverbs 4:23" 
All I could think when I read this was "Thank you God! You are right, my thoughts are running my life."  I am a constant negative thinker, you know the pessimistic type! It drives my husband crazy! Tonight God has spoken so if it means that I have to constantly say positive things about myself I will.  And my first thought is "I will believe in myself to do this!"  God has given me a great husband two beautiful boys and a foster child who at times proves to be challenging, but in the end I know that I am doing God's work! So I am sorry for making this short tonight but tomorrow is a new day and I will post all my new thoughts on how to conquer this challenge I have set for myself more effectively! But for tonight I am starting to think positively and know that I can raise my "three" kids, have a great marriage, work two jobs, and still have time for God and myself!!! Those negative thoughts I was thinking will be no more, I am tired of them running my life! God will give me the strength to do this and I hope he starts soon because I officially registered for my very first 5K tonight!!!

May God Bless each of you in your own challenging endeavors!
Amanda

Well.....I don't even know where to begin tonight.  All I know is it has been a challenging week and yet typically by a Thursday I am stressed to the max and angry about everything, but not today.  I feel more relaxed this week or at least today.  Could it be that I prayed to God to give me strength and help me about twenty times tonight on my run/walk, or is it that I feel so much better about myself?  I am not sure why I feel calmer and more relaxed, it is not a typical feeling for me lately.  Things are so crazy sometimes I don't know my left from my right in this household.  Between a husband and three kids (all boys) each of which desire a woman's attention I always feel stretched so thin.  Don't get me wrong I am feeling stretched this week too, but not as bad a the week before or previous weeks.  The only concern on my mind right now is breastfeeding the baby....I have to wonder if I can keep up with his needs while trying to meet mine plus working and meeting the other kids' needs.   Maybe I am on to something with this whole feeling happier while trying to reach a goal, my only fear is that I give up because it becomes too much!

 

After completing week one of the C25K program tonight I felt a sense of relief, but also a sense of fear.  As I walked the last half mile home I prayed to God that I could keep going at this and that he would give me the strength to continue on this challenging journey because I am not going to lie I am SORE.  I remember every single reason why I hate running or any type of exercise for that matter....MY STUPID FLAT FEET!!!! My left leg hurts so bad because I have always favored my right foot.  Not sure why but I have horrible flat feet and it kills me to run or be on them for long periods of time.  I only gave it minimal consideration when I started, but after today I would just love to stop and say you know what this is not for me and continue on with my stressful, angry day to day life that I am leading.  However, I do not want to drag myself down with all this negativity! I WANT THIS CHALLENGE MORE THAN ANYTHING! I don't want to quit because my foot hurts and my leg hurts.....I want to quit at the end of a 26 mile marathon! I just hope that I can do this.

 

So let me just dig deep into some of my thoughts tonight because I walked extra after finishing the training because I needed time to reflect on my life outside of this crazy house.  My reflections tonight started with Logan.  Logan is only 4 months old and I am exclusively breastfeeding him.  For the last three days I have struggled to pump enough to keep up with him so I started out with what if I am hurting him because I want something.  Then I started to think about how I can squeeze in more pumping time which consisted of ALOT less sleep for me as my day/weekend already consists of pumping every spare moment I get.  Then I reflected on Garrett.  Garrett is three and after I work all day he just wants to spend time with his mommy.  I felt bad about doing what I was doing when I should be home playing with him or reading him stories as I was out tonight during bedtime routine.  I was again feeling as if I was selfish.  Then I went to the words Josh said to me after I asked if he wanted to join me tonight...."I can't run with you, you haven't trained and you couldn't keep up with me."  As I was running in pain tonight I was thinking he was completely right.  I can't do this, I didn't train for this.  Of course the part where I could never keep up with him was spot on.  I would never be able to keep up with him, but I would try! And then I reflected on my husband who before I left called me a slacker because I was not paying attention to him.  And at this point in my reflections I wanted to just stop and cry.  I mean how could I be so selfish to want to go out and do something for my self.  I have all these people who need me and I have so many things to do at home, but I thought to myself am I really giving the above four people the best of me?  Absolutely not, because I am not doing something for me.  For the past several months my life has revolved around everyone else in this household and what they need.  Well I can't do that anymore....I was not giving them patience, understanding, compassion, and most of all happiness.  I want to be a better wife, mother, teacher, therapist, behavioral aide, foster parent, and what ever other titles I carry on a day to day basis.  I need to be happy to do this.  We as a society have to start to become happier.  Our children are suffering because the parents are unhappy.  We could be unhappy in our marriage, our job, our path in which life is taking us, whatever is making us unhappy we need to stop and reflect on that.  So after reflecting on all this I realized that I am unhappy because I never do anything for me and if I do I would begin to feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and the guilt is what brought me down.  I need to step back and start thinking about me for 30-45 minutes a day! So if that means I have to lose sleep to pump more, or I miss out on bedtime stories a night a week, or people tell me I can't do something, or the husband goes without attention for a little bit I am making myself happier because I am challenging myself to do something for me.  So over all, this is not a journey to reach a marathon challenge this is also my journey to learn how to be better at all the above titles.  God is really blessing me to do this and I have the opportunity to change my way of thinking and hopefully someone else's.  So tonight I am challenging others to reflect on all the things that are holding back the happiness.  Find what is stopping you from working on a goal.  I found it was myself and the guilt I would feel because I wanted to do something for me.  I can't do that anymore.  So like it says in the song "Try" by Pink...."you gotta get up and try."  I have gotten up and am trying to reach this goal....are you out there making your best effort at trying to reach yours?

 

God is good and I know I can do all things through him. Jeremiah 29:11 (For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future) came to mind as it is my favorite verse and I realized I am beginning to travel on the path God wants me to take.  God has a plan for all of us and I only pray that we each can find that path because seeing many of the stories in the news I feel people just need to be happier and find the plans God really has for them.  So I challenge you to look at the signs God has given each of you lately to discover how he wants you to prosper!  My only prayer tonight is that one person finds inspiration and begins to follow the path God has placed them on. 

 

God Bless each and every reader,

 

Amanda

What was I thinking.......

Well today is the beginning of a new Month and as a big April fool's to myself I started the C25K program today!!!! What the hell was I thinking.  O that's right I wasn't.  Who in their right mind chooses the goal of running a marathon?  I must be joking myself. 

 

I should give you all a little background on why I chose this goal! At the end of 2011 my husband was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease in which can cause his spine to fuse and leave his mobility limited by the time he is age 40-45.  So he was given treatment options which many of were expensive or we could go the free route and choose a clinical study.  That is exactly what we did, but part of the stipulations were no more children once the study started and we for sure wanted more kids! So immediately we started trying for child number 2! After a couple months of trying and failing, I was doing some reading in a magazine (I can't remember which one now), but it talked about research stating that people who set a goal are the happiest.  So after I read that I looked at my husband and told him I was going to run a marathon and that goal should keep me happy for at least 5-7 years.  So I went out and bought a pair of running shoes and started walking/running and after a month we were pregnant! So of course that slowed down my progress but now that that baby will be 4 months old on the 10th of April and my husband is on his clinical study for the next 2 years at least I thought I had better get back to my goal.  So here we are talking about goals and being happy but really how do we reach our goals in life, what exactly is a goal, and can people really achieve that self actualization through their goals? 

 

Well what exactly is a goal?  A goal is the desired result a person or a system envisions.  The person or system plans and commits to achieve a personal or organizational desired end point.  Many people chose to reach goals by setting deadlines.  In my case there is no endpoint for reaching the 26 mile marathon.  However, I think to be successful with in achieving my all time personal goal I need to set personal goals.  So as part of my motivation to keep me going I am going to commit to some 5Ks throughout the summer months.  As time goes on I will share you with information I find on achieving goals and being happy as well as if I feel this information is correct throughout my own personal feelings.  I hope that each person following this will be able to gain perspective and possibly be inspired to go for their own goals! I know as a society we all need a little more happiness! So I might feel as if I played an April fool's joke on myself right now, but at the end of the day I felt better because I ran for 10 minutes out of 30 minutes! That to me is a great start and even though my neighbors were probably wondering why I was giving myself a pep talk as I walked or ran by their house I achieved something today that I have not been able to do ever! So tonight I will say a prayer that God continues to guide me on this journey and Tomorrow I will do some strength training and hope for the best when I go back out and run on Wednesday!

 

Good night for now and God Bless,

 

Amanda

The start of a new Journey

Throughout this blog I am going to attempt to reach self-actualization and attempt to achieve full potential for happiness based on setting one goal. What is the goal you ask? Well I am setting the goal to run a marathon some day! That's right the whole 26 mile marathon! Will I be able to do it ever? Only God knows if I will, but I am going to try. Throughout the posts you will see if I can achieve my goal and some of the struggles I will face. On this Easter holiday my family and I celebrated the Rebirth of our Lord Jesus Christ and I want to feel reborn myself.

So let me start out with a little about myself. I am a 26 year old wife, mother of two young boys (3 years and 4 months old), and a foster mother to a 17 year old boy. I am a college graduate from Alfred University with a Bachelor's in Psychology. I also have obtained a Master's degree in counseling from Capella University and am currently working as an aide in a local Elementary School full time and a part time Mobile Therapist for kids in the area. My life is full of things I love and many might say why is she not happy? My husband loves me, my kids love me, I love my jobs and enjoy many other fun filled activities with my kids. So why I am not happy?? Well I am happy, just not as happy as I think a person strives to be with in the Maslow's hierarchy of needs. There is just something missing from my life. Maslow felt that a person would be happiest once they reached Self actualization.

Well Self actualization means to find one's personal potential, seeking personal growth and peak experiences, while finding self fulfillment. I am on my journey for Self Actualization! I have reached all my other goals and feel I am not at my personal potential....So here goes nothing! I am going to attempt to document things throughout this journey at least 3 times weekly. I hope that I find support from others as well as show others that they too can find that full self potential in life!

God Bless Everyone,
Amanda